


I'm Not The World's Most Masculine Man

by TheseusInTheMaze



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Background Luther Hargreeves/Allison Hargreeves, Crossdressing, F/M, Gender Play, Incest, Podfic Welcome, Praise Kink, Soft Packer, Strap On Blow Job
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 16:50:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19177429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheseusInTheMaze/pseuds/TheseusInTheMaze
Summary: "I mean," said Klaus, "you don't have to be.""What, hot?""No," said Klaus. "A woman."





	I'm Not The World's Most Masculine Man

**Author's Note:**

> While there is no ageplay in this, as _such_ , it does have a bit of an ageplay-y... flavor. If you think that might not be for you, please move on by!

“You are doing me a favor, sister dear,” said Klaus, as he barged into Vanya’s bedroom. “And I am going to _return_ the favor.” He made a beeline for her closet, and flung it open dramatically.

“Y’know,” Vanya said from her spot on the bed, “when I let you stay, there weren’t any strings attached. You didn’t have to do anything.” She watched, wearily, as Klaus dug through her closet, trying not to wince as he pulled a shirt off of a hanger, examined it with a critical expression, then dumped it on the floor.

“What, you think I’m offering to dress you up and take you out on the town because I feel obligated?” Klaus turned around, one of her blue button-down shirts crumpled up in his hand. 

“Something like that,” Vanya said, drawing her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them. 

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am endlessly appreciative of you rescuing me from having to stay in Diego’s serial killer boiler room -”

“Why are you not staying in the mansion? Not that I don’t like you being here,” she added quickly, “but Diego’s boiler room and my tiny apartment seem a lot less… appealing compared to, y’know, a mansion.”

“Too many memories,” Klaus said, and his tone was so casual it clearly wasn’t. “Anyway, Luther and Allison have finally requited that mutual attraction they’ve both been holding on to for fuck knows how long, and... hoo boy are they requiting it.” He wrinkled his nose. “I have seen some shit, Vanya. I have _seen_ some shit.” 

Vanya snorted. There were a whole bunch of things under the surface that Klaus wasn’t saying. Vanya could almost hear them - _I’m so lonely_ and maybe _should I be more grossed out that they’re our siblings?_ although maybe she was just projecting. Vanya had a bad habit of projecting. 

“If I’m getting on your nerves, I can leave,” said Klaus, probably misreading her expression. 

“No, no,” Vanya said quickly. “It’s been nice to have company. I just haven't really… had company, since I moved out. So this is taking some getting used to.” She gave him what she hoped was a winning smile. “You really don’t have to take me out tonight. Or dress me up.” 

“My motivations are a little bit selfish,” said Klaus. He took out a green button-down, looked at it thoughtfully, and set it aside a little more gently than the other ones.

“Are they?” At least Vanya had more experience with selfish Klaus; albeit, not Klaus being honest about being selfish, but still.

“Vanya,” said Klaus, and he turned towards her, his hands on his hips. “My beloved sister, the only vaguely normal one in our fucked up family, I adore you with every iota of my being, but I am so _bored_.”

“Sorry,” Vanya said, and she looked down at her lap. Her face was heating up, all the way up to her ears. He thought she was boring, ordinary, just like everyone else did.

“No,” Klaus said, and then there was the creak of her floor, and he was standing in front of her, his long fingers on her face. He made her look up into those lovely green eyes of his, and his gaze was intent. “Vanya, I don’t think _you’re_ boring. You’re not. You’re tons of fun to be around, but you’re not, like… intense, the way Diego is, or awkward like Luther, or too smart, like Five, and you don’t take up the whole room like Allison. I love spending time with you.” She wished she didn’t start to grin as he said it - she should have been defending her siblings, after all! - but he grinned back at her. “I just… I’m used to doing certain kinds of things. Filling my time certain ways, as it were.” He looked faintly sheepish now, his thumb stroking over her cheekbone. “Ways I can no longer do, due to the fact that I am now walking the… lovely path of sobriety. On the wagon, as it were.”

“Oh,” said Vanya. “I mean, there’s fun stuff to do sober.” She sounded like an anti-drug PSA, god. He was so warm against her, and having someone else’s skin against her own was making her nerves _sing_. 

“They may very well be,” said Klaus, “but I miss the things I used to do while _not_ sober.” He must have caught her expression, and he took his hand off of her face. She missed it immediately. “Not the getting high part, or the drinking, or any of that. I just miss… you know. The atmosphere. The dancing.”

“And why are you bringing me along?”

“Because I want to fall off the wagon _so_ badly,” said Klaus, and there was a manic intensity about his face. “You remember what I said about how I don’t miss the getting high part?” 

“Yeah?”

“That was a blatant lie. I want to get high so badly I can almost taste it.” He made a face. “But I can’t. Because…” He made a vague hand gesture. “I just _can’t_. Not in the cards anymore for good ol’ Klausarino.” He sighed, rallied himself up. “But! You have better self control than I do! So I trust you to keep me from doing anything especially stupid!”

“You’re trusting _my_ self control?” Vanya snickered in spite of herself. “Klaus, I’ve got such good self control that I blew up the moon in another timeline.” She paused. “Sort of.” Five went off on tangents when he was talking about time travel, and Vanya usually couldn’t follow them. 

“Well, okay,” said Klaus, and he flopped onto the bed next to her, a mess of noodley limbs. “But you’re doing better now! You had a whole bunch of feelings, and the windows aren’t even rattling!” He patted her knee. “I trust you to get me out of anything stupid if I’m… well, if I’m about to do anything stupid.”

“So I’m your chaperone,” Vanya said, raising an eyebrow. That sounded… not fun. Just another case for her being boring. 

“No,” said Klaus, “well, okay, yes, but not, like… in a bad way. You’re the strongest person in the family, power wise, after Luther.” 

She hadn’t expected him to say _that_ \- her stomach twisted up in some new, interesting way. It probably meant… something she’d have to examine at a later date. Possibly with a therapist. “You think so?”

“Oh, definitely,” said Klaus, “and you’re a lot more fun to have around than the big lug, too.” 

“Hey,” said Vanya, seized with the irrational urge to stand up for Luther. Sure, he was… like that, but he was getting better.

“No, no, I love the guy, don’t get me wrong,” Klaus said quickly. “Just… I took him to a rave - well, I found him at a rave. Once was enough. Once was more than enough.”

“You don’t wanna take Ben with you? To this… whatever it is we’re going to?” She had apparently resigned herself to going along already. How about that?

“As soon as Ben realized he was alive again, he declared on no uncertain terms that he was never, ever going to another club, bar, dungeon, or strip joint for the rest of his life or death,” said Klaus. “He was pretty definite about that. There was expansive hand waving. He said he’d seen enough of them. More than enough.”

“Fair,” said Vanya. She couldn’t really argue with that logic. 

“So we’ll go to the bar, we’ll stay sober - well, I’ll stay sober, you can get drunk if you want to.”

“I wouldn’t do that,” said Vanya. “That wouldn’t be fair to you.”

“See, that’s why you’re tied with Allison as my favorite sister,” said Klaus, and he grinned at her, as cheeky as ever when she rolled her eyes. “C’mon. When’s the last time you went out dancing?”

“Uh,” said Vanya, and she racked her brain. “I, uh, I had a girlfriend who took me to a lesbian bar with a dance floor a while ago? We slow danced to an Indigo Girls song.” 

“Oh my god, Vanya,” said Klaus. “That’s the gayest thing I’ve ever heard. We’ll have an excellent time. Go to a gay club, get some dancing in, work off all that excess energy…” 

“What excess energy?” Vanya gave an exaggerated yawn, more to annoy him than because she was particularly tired. She knew he liked it when she poked him like that.

“Fine,” said Klaus, rolling his eyes. “Work you up _into_ some excess energy. How does that sound?”

“I already agreed to go with you, didn’t I?” She leaned back, the bars of her headboard digging into her shoulder blades. 

“Yeah, but I wanna see some _enthusiasm_ ,” said Klaus, and he clapped his hands, a pretty decent imitation of their father before a mission. 

Vanya snorted, and she prodded him with her foot. “I’ve never really been one for enthusiasm,” she told him. 

He took her foot in his hand, squeezing it, his fingers sliding between her toes. She squeezed it, and he sighed. There was something delicate behind his eyes, something complicated. “I’m sorry I didn’t get to know you better when we were kids, Vanya,” he said. “I was a shit.”

Vanya shrugged, uncomfortable. She was still… well, she had a whole bunch of feelings boiling up under the surface. Guilt, resentment, a longing for… something. She was still getting used to having feelings in the first place, let alone managing them. It was all… well, it didn’t feel good, to put it lightly. “I didn’t exactly make it easy, did I?” was what Vanya said, since it was easier to say that than to try to put her myriad, complicated feelings into words. 

"We shouldn't be dwelling on the past," Klaus said, with some finality, and he sat up completely, letting go of her foot and slapping his thighs for emphasis. He did it hard enough that Vanya winced. "We're gonna go out, and we're gonna look hot -"

"I don't look hot," Vanya interrupted, and she hated how bitter she sounded, but she was going to nip that one in the bud. "I'm not that kind of woman." She'd been given "makeovers" by well meaning girlfriends before, and that had always ended up with her feeling ridiculous, and looking equally so. 

"I mean," said Klaus, and he was looking at her thoughtfully, "you don't have to be."

"What, hot?" Vanya sighed. she already missed the physical contact - her foot was getting cold. 

"No," said Klaus. "A woman." He leaned grabbed her ankle and gave it a squeeze, then stood up and stretched. He had his arms over his head, his back arched, and he looked a little bit like an exclamation point. 

"I'm not, like, trans or anything like that," said Vanya. "I don't want to be a guy."

"You can be a guy for the night, if you'd like to be," said Klaus. "It could be fun."

"Are you making fun of me?" Vanya was aware of the anger that was rushing through her, a cold ball of metal at the pit of her stomach. She was faintly surprised at it - she wasn't usually prone to random fits of rage. 

"What? No!" Klaus looked... confused. "Why would you think I'm making fun of you?"

"I know I'm not a girl like Allison is," Vanya said, and she sat up stiffly, shoving her fingers together. They cracked and popped, as she squeezed them tighter. It probably wasn't healthy, but she couldn't bring herself to care. "But I'm not..." She kept her eyes on her hands, and she was aware of a distant police siren, the wail of it gnawing its way into her head. The mirror rattled in its frame, and the bed was beginning to vibrate, like a cheap motel bed you could feed quarters. "I know it's just another thing that I'm bad at, I've just never -"

"Vanya," Klaus said quietly, and his voice cut through the noise. His hands came into view, and then they covered Vanya's. "You don't _have_ to be a girl like Allison is. Like anyone is. You can be whoever you want. However you want to." His hands were very big, his fingers so much longer than hers. "Playing around with gender is just... fun. It's a thing that I like to do. I thought you might like it. Have a go at... letting loose for the night."

Vanya sighed, letting loose the tension that had ratcheted through her body. It left the air as well, and she noticed, in the corner of her mind, that Klaus was breathing more comfortably again. "I'm sorry," she said, and... oh, hey, she was crying. Why was she _crying_? She didn't used to be the type of person who cried at the drop of a hat. Well, no; she didn't used to be the type of person who cried at all. But here she was, sitting there, crying. She was clinging to herself, her arms across her chest, her hands clutching at her shoulders. There were tears dripping down her cheeks, her chin, soaking into the collar of her shirt.

"I feel like I hit some kind of complicated button," said Klaus, and when she glanced up at his face, he looked anxious. "I'm sorry."

"I don't even _know_ ," said Vanya, and her voice was awkward and stuffy. "I... I don't know what I'm feeling, except that it's all coming out of my face!"

"Feelings do that sometimes," Klaus said, and he cupped her cheek, his thumb collecting some of her tears. "You're still getting used to it, huh?"

She nodded, still sniffling. 

"I mean," he said, "if you really think that going out will make you feel worse -"

"No," said Vanya. "no." Firmer this time. "We're going out."

"Are you sure?" Klaus was still holding her face, his fingertips damp and sticky with her tears. "If you're feeling a whole bunch of stuff at once maybe -"

"I sit at home and try to sort my feelings out a lot already," said Vanya. "Might as well try something new. It'll do me good to get out of the house." She sighed, leaning into his palm, then consciously pulled back. She was a bit too... embarrassed to go all in. Show that much vulnerability, although there was something funny about that, considering all they'd been through together. "So fuck it. I'll try being a boy." 

"You seemed pretty upset at the suggestion, lo those many minutes ago that I offered it," said Klaus, and his expression was cautious. "Are you sure that's a thing you actually want to do? Or are you just trying to go along with it to make me happy?"

Vanya blanched. For all that Klaus claimed to be as self centered as a gyroscope (and to be fair, he was), he sure was reading her like a large print book. “I’ll try anything once,” she said, which wasn’t actually true, but, well… if she was going to try new things, she had to actually go out and try new things.

“Right,” said Klaus, and he looked down at her with a thoughtful cast to his expression. “I think I know what I’m gonna do.” He was starting to grin now. 

Vanya wasn’t sure how she felt about that grin, but she did her best to grin back. 

* * *

“You are almost perfect,” Klaus said, two hours later. 

“Almost,” Vanya echoed. “You think so?” She felt pretty ridiculous, truth be told. Not as ridiculous as when her ex-girlfriends had put her in heels and dresses, which was certainly something to think about. 

Klaus had dressed her in a button-down shirt over a tank top, her small breasts flattened by the only sports bra she owned. Klaus had done something complicated with her hair, using pins (where had he even _gotten_ so many pins in the first place?) and a beanie. He’d done something else even more complicated with makeup, and now… well, the face in the mirror wasn’t the one she was used to seeing when she brushed her teeth, but it was close enough. She was wearing her own pants, her own socks, her own boxers, and that added to the incongruity of it. She was wearing her _own_ clothes, yet she didn’t look like herself. She didn’t look like a man - well, not like most men. Not like her brothers, to be sure. She was too short, her jaw too soft, and something about her face was too different. But she didn’t look like a woman either. Or at least… not like Vanya. 

She liked not being Vanya.

Klaus leaned over her, his hands on her hips. “It still needs something,” he said, and his expression was thoughtful. “But I’m not sure what.”

"I'm not going to look like a man," Vanya said, and there was anxiety bubbling up in her guts again. Her anxiety was trying to crawl out of her throat like some kind of small, furry animal, and the only thing that was keeping her from breaking her windows was the fact that she didn't want to have to clean them up.

"We're not trying to make you look like a man," said Klaus. "You said boy, remember?" His hands moved around to her belly, and his bearded chin was resting on her shoulder, his scruffy cheek ticklish against her own. 

"What's the difference?" She was... _aware_ of his body, pressed up against her own like this. He was so warm and so bony, and she could smell him - cigarettes and some fancy perfume, mixed with shampoo ( _her_ shampoo). When was the last time another person had been this intimate? 

... Leonard. Or maybe Luther, when he'd been squeezing her in that lethal hug. 

"Hey," Klaus said quietly. "Hey, it's okay." He held her tighter, as she began to shake. "It's okay." Their eyes met in the mirror, and then hers darted away, too embarrassed. "Tell me what you're feeling."

"I haven't... it's been a long time since someone... held me," Vanya stuttered out.

"Oh," said Klaus, and he made to take a step back, only for Vanya to clutch at his arms. 

"Please don't go," she said, and she kept her voice very quiet. She didn't know what feelings she was having right now, but she was having a lot of them. She didn't know if she _liked_ looking like this, but she didn't want to stop. "I want it to be perfect. You said it was almost perfect."

"All you really need is a dick," Klaus said, with a bluntness that she hadn't been expecting. "Something to fill your pants up a bit, to make it look more real." His hand hovered over the fly of her jeans, and maybe that was a little bit more, uh... suggestive than she would expect from her brother, but then again, their family had never done things the normal way. 

Vanya blinked. 

"I've got one," Klaus added, and he paused. "I mean, obviously, I've got a dick, but this is a dick for... you." He paused again. "I can't win this conversation, can I?" He looked sheepish, and he nuzzled into her temple.

"I mean, probably not," said Vanya, "although watching you try is pretty gratifying." 

Klaus snorted, a puff of warm air against her cheek. "I do live to please," he said. His proximity was giving her goosebumps, and a shiver ran up and down her back. She sighed, leaning into him, and his nose pressed into her hairline. He gave her a dry, light kiss, just over her eyebrow, and she wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean, except that they were in their own little bubble of silence. It was like the reverse of her powers - she couldn't hear anything, even the thudding of her heart.

"So I just need something to pad it out?" Her hand went over his, pressing down on the button of her fly. They weren't touching anything particularly lewd, but she was aware of every single one of his fingers on her, aware of just how close he was to her mons, her clit. She wanted him to move his hand lower, which wasn't a thing that she shouldn't have been thinking about her brother. She didn't particularly care right now.

Maybe that was a problem for Vanya, but she wasn't being Vanya right now, was she? 

"Yeah," said Klaus. "But like I said, I've got something for that."

"...why do you have something to fill in my pants?" Her voice was very loud, in the quiet room.

"I mean, it's not specifically for _your_ pants," said Klaus, and then he was disentangling himself from her. "Do you have a harness?"

"What, like... Diego's harness?" Vanya blinked, trying to keep up.

"No," said Klaus, and he snickered, making his way back towards her living room, where his suitcase lived, next to her couch. "What good would that be, for this kind of thing?"

"I don't know," Vanya said. She kept looking at herself in the mirror. Now that she was getting used to it, she was growing to like it more. "There's all these different rules for... this stuff. That I'm missing."

"A strap on harness," Klaus said, and he came back, holding a cloth bag. 

“A… why would I…” She cleared her throat, took her eyes off the mirror, and looked over at him, her expression no doubt scandalized. 

“You mentioned a girlfriend,” Klaus pointed out, and he was taking… something out of the bag. “Don’t worry,” he said, no doubt mistaking Vanya’s expression. “It’s been washed a whole bunch.”

“Why do you have a… a _soft_ dildo?” Why was she blushing so much? Why was her heart beating so hard? Why was this all so strange and... intense? There sure were a lot of questions, racing around and around in her head. 

“Because some people like it for the look of things,” said Klaus. “But do you have a strap on harness?”

“I have a strap on harness,” Vanya said, and oh _god_ , she was saying this to her brother, what was her life? “I haven’t, uh… I mean… it’s been a… a while.” It had been a gift from the same girlfriend she’d danced to the Indigo Girls with. It lived in a box at the bottom of her closet - she was somewhat surprised that Klaus hadn’t found that, honestly. 

“Excellent,” said Klaus. “You can put on the dick, use it to fill your pants out a bit, and you’ll have the look down pat.”

“Oh,” said Vanya. “Won’t the harness, like… show?” She licked her lips, and her heart beat faster in her ears.

“Nope,” said Klaus. “Your shirt is untucked, and nobody is going to look too closely at your hips.”

“Right,” said Vanya. “How do I -”

“I can do it, hold on,” said Klaus, and then he was just… in front of her, his hands going to her fly. 

"Klaus," Vanya said sharply, “I can take my own pants off.”

“Sorry,” said Klaus, and he looked sheepish. “I’ll, uh, I’ll… I’ll be outside.” He made a big show of putting down the floppy dildo, and setting it on her bed. “Just holler when you need me,” he called from the living room. 

Vanya snorted, but she left the door open. She wasn’t sure what kind of message she was trying to send, but she sure was sending it. 

* * *

“Klaus?” Vanya called, and she tried to calm down the panic that was trying to climb its way up her throat. “I, uh… I think I need help.” She was getting this wrong. How the hell could she be getting this wrong? 

Admittedly, she’d only ever worn this thing once, and it had been for some super awkward, uncomfortable sex that Vanya hadn’t been good at, but… still. It was a harness. How difficult could it be? Only it was, actually a… lot more complicated than she had figured it would be. But it was Klaus. He’d laugh his ass off about it, but at least he’d help her, right?

“What’s up?” Klaus came out of the living room. “What do you need help with?”

“Can you just… how do I fix this?” She indicated a buckle. 

Klaus frowned, looking her up and down quizzically. “Okay,” he said. “Let’s try this again.” He tugged at a strap carefully, then readjusted it, until it was sitting right. Oh. that was much better. It sat more comfortably on her hips. “This is gonna get a little bit awkward,” he told Vanya, and then he was… grabbing the little pouch in the front, and he was threading the head of the cock into it, pulling it through. His knuckles were brushing against her cunt, and she was blushing harder, embarrassed at the hints of wetness. At least he wasn’t saying anything about it, thank fuck. 

“It’s heavier than I thought it would be,” Vanya said quietly. She was seized with an urge to move her hips like she was wagging a tail, only no. That would look stupid. Satisfying, but stupid. 

“Yep,” said Klaus. “Although in fairness, they aren’t usually this… dense.” Klaus squeezed the dildo, and she shivered. It felt almost… she didn’t feel it, physically, but some part of her mind sure felt it. “Let me just… fix that, hold on.” More fiddling, and the harness was tighter around her waist. “Congratulations,” he told Vanya. “You’ve got a dick.”

She looked down at it. “Isn’t it a bit… big on me?” It did look pretty outsized, considering her own small stature. 

“You’re the first person I’ve ever known to complain about having too _big_ a dick,” Klaus grumbled, and he kissed her on the temple, and grabbed her boxers. “C’mon,” he said, crouching in front of her. “I think you’re still too new to free ball it. Going commando requires a certain amount of dick skill,” Klaus said seriously, and then he grinned at her. “Also, the silicone can get chewed up by the zipper.”

“Oh,” said Vanya, and she laughed. “You know, I hadn’t thought of that.” She stepped into the boxers, and he pulled them up and over her hips. “How do you know all these things. About the… about the silicone, I mean.”

“I’ve had a whole bunch of different people in my friend orbit,” Klaus said, as if that was a normal thing to say. He pulled her boxers up around her hips, to make sure they sat properly, and then he held her pants open. “You’re gonna be the hottest boy on the dance floor,” he said, looking up at her through his eyelashes. “Who doesn’t love a cute little twink?”

“You think I’d be a -” Vanya licked her lips. 

“You’re adorable,” Klaus said, and he was looking up at her through her eyelashes. “Not the first adorable little thing I’ve been on my knees in front of, either.” His hand was rubbing her calf, squeezing it, and Vanya’s stomach gave another lurch.

“A lot of other boys?” Vanya’s voice only shook a little bit. 

“A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell,” Klaus said, demurely. 

“Do you want to?” Vanya’s voice was shaking more now, and so were her knees.

“Tell? If you ask me nicely enough.” Klaus stood up, and he only winced a little bit. He was so much taller than she was, and she’d never noticed that as an… attractive thing before. So why was her heart in her throat? 

“Kiss,” said Vanya, and her voice was very quiet. 

“It’d be weird of me to kiss my sister, the way I’m thinking of kissing you,” Klaus said, and there was a slightly manic cast to his expression that made her think he was lying. 

“Oh,” Vanya said, and she made to step back.

“But you’re not my sister, are you?” Klaus’s hand was on her cheek, holding her in place. “You’re a cute little boy. You’re… what’s a good name?” He paused, lost in thought. “Ivan. You’re not Vanya, you’re Ivan.”

“Ivan,” Vanya echoed. He was breathing on her face, and she was clutching the front of his shirt. “Right. I’m Ivan.”

“Ivan,” said Klaus, “I’m not going to ask how you got into my sister’s apartment, because I’m not a person who asks dumb questions. Especially not when I’ve got such a cute boy in my arms.” He leaned down, his nose against Vanya’s, his hands on her hips now, and he kissed her. Could he feel her heart hammering against his chest? He kissed her, and his hands were on her face, cradling her cheeks. He was rocking them, gently, not even a sexy sort of rocking - almost soothing. His tongue was in her mouth, then he was sucking on her tongue, running the tip of his tongue along her blunt teeth.

“I’m… I…” Vanya stuttered. Bits of her brain were short circuiting, and she ground her hips forward without thinking.

“I know how you boys are,” Klaus said, and there was a teasing note to his voice. “I know what you want.”

“What I want,” Vanya murmured, and she clutched tighter at his shirt. She stood on tiptoe to kiss him again, and his thigh pressed between her legs, pressing the base of the soft dick against her clit. It wasn’t giving her a lot of stimulation - it was too soft - but it was the idea. _This is my cock, against his leg_ , flashed through her head, and it was like slipping into a warm bath, the heat of it soaking into her bones.

“You’re just a sweet boy, aren’t you?” Klaus’s voice was tender in a way that she’d never heard before. “Such a pretty boy, Ivan.” He kissed along her neck, and she was going weak, as he found that soft, delicate spot under her ear and kissed it. She shuddered, and he kissed it again, loud enough that it almost made her ear ring.

“I’m… I’ve never done this before,” Vanya said, and she was falling into the feeling of being Ivan, whoever he was. “I’m sorry, I’m not… I’m not hard,” she added. “I should -”

“Shh, shh, it’s fine,” Klaus said, and his hand slid between the two of them, squeezing the soft dildo. 

Vanya moaned theatrically, humping into his hand, and he chuckled against her mouth, walking her awkwardly towards the bed, until the backs of her knees hit it. She sat down awkwardly, her legs splayed open, Klaus’s bony hips against her thighs. He was towering over her, and she was a little bit afraid. 

She kind of liked it. 

“Now,” Klaus said, and his hands were still on her face, turning it up to his own. “Since you’ve been such a _good_ boy for me, Ivan, I’m going to do something very nice for you. Very… nice.” His eyes were very dark, and his tongue darted out to lick his lips. He looked… very into this. A lot more into it than she’d expected. Was this a kink of his? Had he wanted to fuck her without her realizing it? Did he just need something new to distract himself with?

Did she care?

“Ivan,” Klaus said, and he was looking into her eyes, his expression searching. “Do you not want… I mean, if you just wanna go to the club - “

“No,” said Vanya, “I - _Ivan_ wants this.” Did she want it? 

_Yes_. 

“Well,” said Klaus, dropping down onto his knees in front of her. “Do you even know what I’m offering?”

“You’re offering what you offer any other boy you’d meet at a club somewhere,” Vanya said. “Since that’s what I am, right? I’m a boy you met at a club.”

“A boy I met at a club, who I’m about to blow on my sister’s bed,” said Klaus, and he grinned up at her. She was reminded of that one illustration she’d seen of the Cheshire cat. 

“Does your sister know?” Vanya rested her hands on top of his head, as he nuzzled into her thigh.

“My sister would understand,” Klaus said, and he hooked his fingers into the waistband of her boxers. “It’s not every day I get a boy _this_ cute in my hands.” He patted her hip, and she sat up enough to let him pull them off. The dildo flopped against her thigh, soft and outsized. “Oh, look at your cock, buddy, that is a _thing_. A truly glorious thing.”

“A thing?” Vanya kept stroking her fingers through his hair, gently, as his fingers kneaded at her inner thighs. When was the last time someone had touched her like this, had looked at her with such tenderness? 

“You are gonna be _such_ a big boy,” said Klaus, and he looked up at her through his eyelashes, and he wrapped his hand around the dildo… around her cock. “When you can get hard, this thing is gonna be a monster.” He kissed the head of it. “Don’t you like being such a big boy for me, Ivan?” He held the toy up to his mouth, and he sucked on the head of it. The tip of his finger wormed its way under the harness, to stroke along her slit, finding her clit and swirling over it. 

Her hips rocked forward. “Because I’m a boy?” She shivered, and her heels dug into the carpet under her, her mouth falling open.

“You’re such a good boy,” Klaus agreed, and he gave her cock a little kiss. “My sweet boy, who I picked up at the club. That cock isn’t good for you, is it? It’s too big. We’ll fix that.”

Vanya shuddered. What if she _did_ have a smaller cock, to match the rest of her? _I’m a boy, not a man_ , she thought, and then she whined, as Klaus sucked on her cock and rubbed her clit at the same time. She kept her eyes on Klaus’s face, as Klaus’s took more of her soft cock into his mouth.

Klaus pulled back, and he nuzzled his cheek against the dildo. “Good boy,” he said. “Good boy, just like that…” He kept stroking Vanya’s cock, looking up at her and grinning. “Such a good boy for me.”

She was shaking - was it the praise? Being called a boy? The intimate touch? The eye contact?

“When you can get hard,” he told her, “I’m going to let you fuck me. You’re such a good boy, you get to fuck me. But for now… mm… yes, be a good boy.” He pressed a kiss to the shaft. “Be a good boy, and let me suck your sweet, soft cock.” 

“Right,” Vanya said, “right, please, don’t stop, I’ll be a g-g-good boy, please just… don’t stop…” She let her head loll back, let the pleasure lap at her like waves at the beach. There was pressure building in her guts, pressure and heat, and the tension at the base of her spine was being pulled tighter and tighter, like someone winding a rubber band. She watched him, as he sucked and slurped, his fingers working her over that much harder, and it was so much better than it ought to have been - watching him suck a piece of floppy silicone, as he rubbed her clit, with just enough firmness to pull her a little closer towards her orgasm. 

“ _Such_ a good boy,” said Klaus, and he slid his finger inside of her and twisted his other hand against the dildo, pressing it into her clit. “I know you’re gonna come for me, Ivan. Sweet Ivan, gorgeous Ivan. Be a good boy for me, and come. Ivan… there we go…”

Vanya came around Klaus’s finger, in Klaus’s hand. Maybe she was imagining it, but was her cock twitching as well? No, it was a piece of silicone. It couldn’t twitch. But… fuck. She was pulsing, throbbing, and the twitch of it 

Klaus kept his finger inside of her, still circling her clit with his thumb. “So, Ivan,” he said. He winked at her. “You think you’re ready to go out?” His lips were shiny with his spit, and his eyes were dark. He withdrew his fingers, and made a big show of sucking them, rolling his eyes in exaggerated pleasure. “Mmm… gonna have some of that from the source,” he said, and Vanya flushed.

“I… I think I’m ready,” Vanya said. “Or at least… Ivan is ready.” She licked her lips, looking down into Klaus’s face. 

“What about Vanya?” Klaus looked concerned. He reached down, adjusting his cock in his pants, and Vanya eyed it, licking her lips. She wanted it in _her_ mouth, truth be told. 

“Vanya… is ready to try something new,” she said. “Do you want me to, uh…” She indicated his erection. 

“Oh, we’ll get to that eventually,” Klaus said, his tone casual, and he took her hand, kissing the palm of it. “If you want to, I mean.”

Vanya nodded shyly, and Klaus turned her hand around, and kissed her knuckles. She flushed, still jittery with the aftershocks of her orgasm, even though it hadn’t been too… intense. She probably had a few more in her, but Klaus was standing up, letting go of her hand and stretching.

“C’mon,” he said, and he grinned. “Maybe someday I’ll introduce you to Klara.”

“Klara?” Vanya tucked her soft cock back into her boxers, then pulled her pants back on. Her harness was still slimy, wet against her. 

“She’s like Ivan,” said Klaus, and he fluttered his eyelashes at her, and gave a grin. 

“... Oh,” said Vanya, as light dawned. “Oh. I’d… I’d like to meet her.”

“And she’d like to meet Ivan,” said Klaus, and he grinned. “But that’s for another night.” He frowned at his own disheveled appearance. “Now _I_ need to get ready!”

Vanya snorted, and flopped back onto the bed. This might take a while.


End file.
